when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
