I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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