So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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