I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I use my feet as sexual weapons
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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