did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
