at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
birth control should be required to get into college
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
