im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
