omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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