I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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