I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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