I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
