two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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