I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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