And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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