This is not my ceiling
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
