I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
