my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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