forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
