you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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