Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
