I need to stop coming to work sober
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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