i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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