You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
