We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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