I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
