Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
