we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
