You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
