I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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