You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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