If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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