Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
