you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
