k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
