I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
