Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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