Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
