It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
