Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
