Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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