FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
