i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
