Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
