so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
