he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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