remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
