I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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