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is your mom at the bar?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
