If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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