I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
